literally had 100 drinks last night.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
