My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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