so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
