I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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