I think I won the penis lottery.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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