have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
