Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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