I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
