Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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