fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
