I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
