There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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