when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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