I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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