There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
