saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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