dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
