Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
