I'm really into asian looking animals
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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