I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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