halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This toilet bowl is my home.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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