i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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