Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
