who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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