I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We need to get me chipped asap
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
