I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
