well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
