I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
