He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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