Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
