May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
