and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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