The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
