thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
