Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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