Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
