Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
