1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
