I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
