I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
