There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
