Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Cover your peen. We're going out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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