Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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