This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
