need another drink. this is the easiest way
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
