Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
