I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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