This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
