awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
