There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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