I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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