Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
