I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
They are going to name an STD after you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
